Nate and I have had a lot of conversations lately about the length of our stay here in Ireland.  It's come up at the office for Nate a few times in trying to get a game plan together for what needs to be accomplished while he's here, and it's come up at home as we try to think about things that we want to accomplish as a family while we're living abroad.  And I'm struggling with what I'm feeling.

I love Ireland.  I love what we have here with our little family of four.  I love the relationships that we are making and the laid back lifestyle we have found.  I love that my kids are happy here, that they have made friends so easily, and that they know the freedom of running and playing outside with those friends.  I love that they are happy at their schools and that they are learning and growing in leaps and bounds.  I love that I can support Nate in his role here and that I can be here for my kids before and after school. 

This isn't to say that I/we love every. single. minute.  But I will come clean and admit to all of you that I have actually asked Nate about the possibility of making his position here permanent.  And then....

And then we skype with friends from back home and my heart aches from missing them and hearing about all of the things that we are missing out on.  Or my kids talk about all the things they want to do when we get to Bloomington this summer.  I think constantly about projects I want to work on in our home in the states.   I think of sitting on my couch in my sweat pants having a glass of wine with my closest girl friends.  And I don't know that I could ever do this permanently, the giving up of all I've ever known.

It's not easy, living with a foot in two different places.  Missing friends back home while still trying to form relationships with new friends here.  Trying to make this house a home all the while the place we consider to be our "real home" is thousands of miles away.  Adjusting to a new environment and relishing the new-ness while eagerly anticipating returning to the familiar. 

I honestly don't know what the future holds for us long term other than the fact that we will be back in the states at some point.  I don't know how we'll feel about returning to Ireland after spending 6 weeks back in the states for the summer, or even how it will feel to be back in the states after living in Ireland for 10 months.  It all just seems so uncertain to me at the moment, and it has been consuming my every thought.  I'm trying as hard as I can to stay in the moment and enjoy the here and now, but keeping my thoughts where they need to be is proving more difficult than I would like.  All I know for sure at this point is that there is definitely a piece of my heart in 2 separate places thousands of miles apart.